GLASS....cold,fabulous,illusory

2012

2012-01-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

Get a glam Serena van der Woodsen-ish makeover,blingy bags,ruby red nails,jimmy choos et al
Stop chasing contentment and scaring it away,possibly
Go on worshiping Murakami

noble wishes of mine buuuuuut you know what................................

2011-12-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

There is just too many words in life and yet not enough to express,every bit of emotion that one goes through. I get stuck with one in every phase. Smooth, limpid, impetuous and just rolling off one's tongue .They are just 'words' i tell the self.But each throbbing with life of one's own so that you can't really negate them for their inanity...as a child 'Grey Street' had the biggest impact compared to any words i could have come across.Growing up i was stuck with 'disillusioned' for a huge amount of time,'melancholy' and 'pain' often gave a purge-like rush of feelings, while 'adore' never failed to bring a smile.And yet now there is an increasing sense of loss as i feel more and more out-of-words.Is this part of growing up?Losing words and all those unspoken emotions.....
Have you ever come across the word 'cicatrice'?Because that's what we all are....the scar of a healed wound.....i look at the dark angry spot of wound on my left leg, like a lone soldier ,it has a story to tell.And yet no voice to do so.I am slowly becoming that,possibly....the scar of a lonely wound,no words to express,no voice to do that for me.

2011-11-27T22:36:00.001-08:00

Academics is not my thing i had realized in vain some times back. Those excruciating deconstruction of texts, trying to 'disindividualize' power are things i gave up quickly. At least managing people should come easy.But all the theories of needs and human behaviors don't actually teach you much about understanding human reactions. In fact one needs to be taught some lessons in endurance first.In some way, individuals showing some variability in traits doesn't bother much.But imagine dealing with some seriously bloated ego, restrained by nature from applying logic in daily life.Now imagine dealing with two or three of those.[sighs] Such is work life where you have to compromise at every level and live with the extreme displeasure of having to do so.
Ahhh but no one is perfect and you know it.But what if you are suffering from the universal dilemma of whether or not to prick the bubble? Do you really keep peace with a loser who is trying to distort his/her past in such a way that the onus falls on an unassuming individual ? Do you really laugh out loud [and not silently] at a bauble and their inane existence ? How exactly do you throw out a useless baggage that is slowly becoming too heavy for you to carry ? Questions that will go unanswered for the time being unless some wise old being walks up to me and give them.....

2011-11-16T06:06:00.001-08:00

does screaming at the top of your lungs for some 20 mins wash away all that anguish ???

2011-11-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

i watched Eat Pray Love today[yes i had refrained from watching it for a long time solely because a book inspired by so much of self-obsessed yammering never interested me,much like those self-help books and to turn it into a movie....arrrgh]. All the orientalism aside[ i can dedicate a whole book on that...] i was really quite drawn towards the 'EAT' phase that was set in Italy. I mean i have seen so many Italian movies centering around various aspects of its culture but this was probably the first time i was actually getting a visual treat food-wise.Food is definitely the best way to get over the biggest hurdles in life....[sighs].

ps: must try Casa Toscana .....but currently quite satisfied biting into a nice mud pie...

2011-10-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

i have been trying to type a few words for some times now and then trashing such attempts mid-way.crying is no longer enough for me.it was never enough to begin with.but i always imagined opening the floodgate would wash-clean the stinging, but it did not really help.i realized it is because you never really miss a human being, just the memories and it is useless to cry over such intangibles.i have always hated mourning in public and this time too i had removed myself far away.but time never really approves too much of holding on,and soon enough you are only left with a strange smell of frankincense and flowers and a few fragments of the past to blanket you .....

2011-09-05T03:38:00.000-07:00

It is nothing that had not been already anticipated.the story unfolds quite predictably.i imagined myself keeping a daily diary from day1.needless to say i failed.lots have happened which can actually take up quite a few blog posts.Two-three years back i would have definitely felt an imperative urge to write it all down.But too many similar situations ,almost a deja vu.And most importantly the indifference.It is so 'whatever-who-cares' !!!Also the growing up.It does make you behave in the weirdest way.

2011-08-14T06:15:00.000-07:00

dont you just feel like abandoning it all,at the zenith of perfection?scared that any movement forward is a downward journey?or maybe its just me.

2011-07-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

Very often I slip into Princess Leia-mode,but then i get out of it as well[am not referring to the star wars character,but a code name for someone i knew].Now Le is someone i always admired,though never admitted.Le loved playing with metaphors which is very much my kind of game.Le was spirited but only in her smile.The rest of the time she loved to live in denial,her own personal dwelling of peace.She also loved to keep her sense of humor to herself, waste little emotions on people in general.Did she hate human company in that case? 'No',she once told me, 'just fatigued at times'.The banal bearings of life did make her feel morbid at times forcing her to question her existence, but that was just it.She was often in a dilemma over whom to trust enough to call one's very own.But,Le was quite unabashedly unapologetic about the mistakes she had committed in her life but that did not exactly stop her from making a few more.and Le was forever trying to escape.

Le is dead.
And i cant ever tell her that i had always secretly-worshiped her.Her quirky take on life had been inspiring enough and her constant search for an identity was valorous.She died an original,who could afford to be who she is and live with her own choices.Love and peace.Always

2011-07-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

one has adapted,possibly, to desultory conversations.the comfort of such is gratifying.Snippets of a garbled discourse,spreads warm and slow.one craves such treats,once in a while.one has also realized ,that is all one is capable of ,since everything else seem pointless after a brief continuum of experience,and being content is probably an idea that will remain elusive to it.One has also promised not to force the self to do so either.

Day 30:Favorite Coffee table Book

2011-07-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

With this we come to an end of this tag.Finally with a sigh of relief..... :)
I love this book solely because of the intellectual stimulation one receives from it.It makes you think.It makes you question yourself,your identity and in the process probably separates you from many.

Day 29:Book you are currently reading

2011-07-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

Day 28:Last Book you read

2011-07-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

The series packs quite a punch, and an element of un-put-down-able

Day 27:Favorite Fiction

2011-07-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

Is it the genre?Historical,Romantic Thriller ,all three of my favorites in one.
Pamuk happens to be one of those writers who seem to make love with words.The book captures one's mind solely because of the depiction of psychology,accurate for every individual.One finds it absorbing enough to read and re-read it

Day 26:Favorite Non Fiction

2011-07-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

A background reading for Roads to Freedom.'The Look'' being the favorite among all the chapters.

Day 25:Favorite Book in School

2011-07-17T04:55:00.000-07:00

Add caption

Mankind's greatest descent to savagery.And the echoing voice :the beast lives somewhere within.......

Day 24:Favorite Scene from a Book

2011-07-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

"Tell me," he said, seizing her by the shoulders. "Are you happy,
Clarissa? Does Richard—"
The door opened.
"Here is my Elizabeth," said Clarissa, emotionally, histrionically,
perhaps.
"How d'y do?" said Elizabeth coming forward.
The sound of Big Ben striking the half-hour struck out between them with extraordinary vigor, as if a young man, strong, indifferent, inconsiderate,were swinging dumb-bells this way and that.
"Hullo, Elizabeth!" cried Peter, stuffing his handkerchief into his pocket,going quickly to her, saying "Good-bye, Clarissa" without looking at her, leaving the room quickly, and running downstairs and opening the hall door."Peter! Peter!" cried Clarissa, following him out on to the landing. "My party to-night! Remember my party to-night!" she cried, having to raise her voice against the roar of the open air, and, overwhelmed by the traffic and the sound of all the clocks striking, her voice crying "Remember my party to-night!" sounded frail and thin and very far away as Peter Walsh shut the door.

Day 23:Favorite Book dealing with a Foreign Culture

2011-07-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

Early 20th century China, a waning feudal structure,issues of womanhood and a great many details of the everyday lives of the Chinese people,village to town ...The Good Earth is one of my favorite books of all time.

Day 22:Book you want to READ NEXT

2011-07-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Because historical scandals are so much like buckets of Ben and Jerry's on a rainy day.Because one had always been interested in the murky dark side of history and royal secrets and court intrigues had always been fascinating.Moreover one does feel a certain interest towards Anne Boleyn and thus the need to read this book....

Day 21:Favorite Romantic Novel

2011-07-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

Because love takes time. And maturity. Because love is realization and the 'rush of feelings' is the malady,incurable and profound.It is about the choices we make.And regret.But the book teaches you to go beyond the mistakes.What can be more romantic than a second chance at love?The one true love.To have loved and yet not lost.....even if that realization dawns after 80.

Day 20:Book Read Most Number of Times

2011-07-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

My favorite series.each book had been read a number of times,in sickness and in health[:D].However Prisoner of Azkaban stands out for being the preferred one.Reason?
Sirius Black.

Day 19:Favorite Book turned into Movie

2011-07-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

'Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens'

its epic,magnificent and dark.the movies try and retain the grandness through impressive visuals, as is expected.moreover fantasy is one genre,that is quite difficult to deal with unless portrayed on a colossal scale.

DAY 18:1st Adult Book Read

2011-07-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

i am still confused whether my age[13 years] was appropriate enough when i first read this book.But i remember being quite shocked at such a frank treatment of sexuality at the time.It deals with various aspects of it, at times even deviating towards the bizarre.However today is a different tale altogether as i hail it as a classic much like the rest of the world.

Day 17:Shortest Book you have Read

2011-07-05T04:18:00.000-07:00

“One morning, when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin.”

Day 16:Longest Book You Have Read

2011-07-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

some books are a treat.the slower you read the better it feels cuz you know the end is far,Suitable Boy is such a treat.Its fat and the storyline stretches from one part of India to another,travels through various time periods.I can't wait for its sequel to release.i Remember taking a year to finish the book and reading various other books along with it.

Day 15:Favorite Book from Childhood

2011-07-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

i think Russia played an important role throughout my childhood,at least books-wise.'Chuk and Gek' was this incredibly cute tale about two brothers and their mischief and their subsequent visit to Taiga.The book originally belonged to my dad when he was a kid and i remember persuading my mom and grandma to read this book to me,4-5 times in a single day.Life was so much better when you had the freedom to imagine Russia,quite nearby and the two brothers somehow resembling your own people.such was life!!!However i must mention another book,rather magazine that i was also fond of ,and missed very much when they stopped publishing it in the 80's.Misha was such a wonderful concept,i feel today when i look back.A wonderful children's magazine from the erstwhile USSR that was an amazing platform for children all over the world to interact and share their thoughts!Shucksss!!i miss those years and hate the fact how wonderful things in this world get terminated for all the wrong reasons.

Day 14:A Book whose main Character you Want to Marry

2011-06-21T00:54:00.000-07:00

I would be away and hence not be posting for a week.So i couldn't help make another post today :)

And now for Heathcliff.There is something about a mysterious,arrogant,passionate,emotionally conflicted,self-destructive man.Yes there are men....and there is Heathcliff.And one cannot ignore the romanticism involved with unfulfilled passion....there was a time when Edward Cullen wasn't born and real women fell for 'real'[!] fictional men.That would be my school days,five-six years back, marked by endless pining for a wild,brooding,ruthless stranger to suddenly walk into the mundane evenings.Then again i have always had a special corner in my heart for anti-heroes ,be it Stephen Dedalus[A portrait of the Artist as a Young Man], Iago[Othello], or the Phantom from the phantom of the opera.However it is only Heathcliff to whom i would trust myself to marry.[sighs....]

Day 13:A Book whose Main Character is like You

2011-06-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

This is what Wikipedia has to say about Marijane Satrapi.

''Marjane (main character): Marjane is a strong girl, who follows in her parents' foot steps. She strongly believes in fighting for what you believe in. Sometimes her actions seem rebellious, and they get her into trouble, but this doesn't change her feelings or ambitions.''

i think i can identify with the inner fire,that works at two levels. Sometimes you need to break away from the conventional,and sometimes you need to fight for it as well.Its a difficult choice.And being able to do that is where victory lies.I remember my own inner conflicts in the form of an identity crisis that continued for some years.The search for something meaningful...the true self,unperturbed by external influence.The days of immense confusion,irritation,of not being able to figure out ...and finally the joy of doing so.Yes Miss Satrapi you are probably me in various ways.

Day 12: A Book you Used to Love but Not Anymore

2011-06-20T01:47:00.000-07:00

Lets begin by pointing out that there is a serious flaw in this tag.I can't think of a book that i read and loved and yet don't do so anymore.Fools Die is one of the best books i have read and would continue to think of it in the same light.The only reason i am mentioning this book is because when I first read the book it felt like a thrilling plunge into the exciting world of gambling,corruption,manipulation,sex and everything in between.Almost like a fast-paced ride through Las Vegas, Hollywood and back with some super-strong characters you will hate yourself for liking.I read it many years back and fell in love with it.However when i tried to re-read the book some months back, the electric quality was somehow missing,which was kinda sad.
But then again i blame television somewhat for the loss.There are just too many shows with gamblers,hustlers and high fliers that has already killed the excitement of knowing the 'inside-story'.Hence the 'downfall'.

Day 11:Book By Your Favorite Author

2011-06-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

i once had a little girl,or should i say she once had me...[Beatles]

Initially Norwegian Wood would only resonate the tune of this song.And this is exactly what drew me to the title of this book, i had casually picked up at an airport book-shop.Thing is it shares nothing with the song or Beatles as such.But if you ask me,probably the song works for our protagonist in the same way it does for me.Conjure up images from the past.The past beckons.You must take a stroll down the lane...

and when i awoke i was alone.This bird had flown.So i lit a fire.Isn't it good Norwegian Wood?

ps: in case you are wondering my current favorite author happens to be Haruki Murakami

Day 10: A book that changed your Life

2011-06-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

And therefore we come to Day 10. And this is where it gets extremely complicated, something i was anticipating for long. I thought about Tuesdays with Morrie ,because it had really made me think about life.I thought about Illusions and Jonathan Livingstone Seagull ,by Richard Bach,both having an influential philosophy to take notice.Then I thought how extremely pretentious it would be to choose them,since their influence on me has been limited only to appreciating what they had to say .I also thought of the very 1st classic I had read Oliver Twist,something that made me fall in love with reading.It is special from that aspect at least.But even then not a satisfactory reply to my question.
In the end I chose :

I had to choose this.Why? Because ," Mockingbird,still says what it has to say; it has managed to survive the years without preamble." and specially for: ''I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.'' Lesson learnt - Check.

Day 9:Book that makes you Sick

2011-06-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

Technically this is not Day 9.But then again i don't want to wait for another day to write that i have not yet come across a book that makes me 'sick'. There had been books I hated myself for wasting time over, but sick?seriously.No.

Day 8:A book that Scares You

2011-06-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

Somehow a 'scary book' sounds a lil puerile.I have devoured much thrillers/macabre tales/supernatural fiction, but being 'scared' while reading sounds a bit odd.However there was this one time when i was really freaked out after reading a particular short story from Stephen King's collection called 'Just after Sunset' .The short story, Gingerbread Girl ,was about this young bereaved mother who was trying to escape from pain by running day and night.And one day while running in a secluded locality,ended up in the hands of a psycho-killer.

This tale is so absorbing i almost felt like I was somehow trapped in with a murderer,with no chance of escape.I guess 'being scared' has a number of interpretations.This was probably my hidden fear that came out after reading the book.

Day 7:Book You can Quote/Recite

2011-06-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

Because, one needs to conform to a single ideology while growing up.

Because, “Life is like topography, [Hobbes]. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure.”

And also because , ''I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.''

And You get the picture right!! ;)

Day 6: Favorite Book as a Young-Adult

2011-06-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

This book has a feel-good factor about it.Needless to say it is a genre in itself.The tussle between the orthodox teaching style and a unique, unconventional and less-accepted one, has always been a favourite recurring theme.Added to that -issues of racism.And you can't feel happier to witness the victory of the idealist teacher in the face of all opposition.I had really loved this book over all those chick-lit trash one usually reads as a young adult.Solely because of the inspirational factor in this book.I wish i had come across more such honest piece of writings in future!

Day 5:A Book You Wish You Could Live In

2011-06-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

Finally the book that has probably come up for every blogger attempting this Book Challenge.
When mundane mornings threaten to finish you off.Reality becomes unendurable.A possible escape looks bleak and distant.What you can really wish for,is to be trans-located to asteroid B-612 and do nothing more than 'pulling out the baobab tress'.And then never ever having to worry about the 'grown-ups' again.Ahh!bliss.Because?

'It is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.'So just think about it yourself.Here is little treat for those who have never read this book-

le Petit Prince

DAY 4: BOOK THAT MAKES YOU CRY

2011-06-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

I was in the 11th standard and had not yet read this book. Only heard about the story from it's effusive readers,mostly my friends.I found their sentiment too child-like as i myself steered clear of anything too maudlin, [which i still do].In fact mush and chintz are the two things that really don't gel with me.Then one day in school, someone made me borrow her copy of this book.Because i had previously read Acts of Faith by Segal and quite liked it, i too felt less resistant towards it,thankfully.

That night i lay awake and finished the entire book,tried arduously to control the lachrymal glands from flooding,failed repeatedly and quite expectantly,then sat back, red-eyed feeling quite drained.I have cried a few other times too while reading a book, but never quite enjoyed shedding tears as much as i did this one time.It had an almost purge-like quality.I think i went to sleep after that.....

Day 3 :BOOK THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

2011-06-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

i am obsessed with Woody Allen.His films,his books,his wit,his philosophy.So this won't come as a surprise to many.Although i only got to read this book quite recently, it is by far the best one i have come across in the humor section.You must know it is really difficult to make me laugh.All the slapstick humor that are available on television simply annoys me.Conventional humor-books bore me.I think i appreciate a subtle placement of a sarcastic comment the most.This book is a compilation of essays by Allen, two very humorously frenetic absurd-plays, bits from his notebook, which all come across as simple musings on part of the author, and that ultimately delivers something fresh and funny.You might not be rolling on the floor with laughter, but your loud guffaws will definitely be the result of the witty lines!!It is definitely a keeper!

DAY 2 : LEAST FAVORITE BOOK

2011-06-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Shantaram:Least favorite is an understatement for me when it comes to this book.Or maybe for someone residing in India the morbid details of a gangster life rehashed in true blue Bollywood-style filmy plot is an overdose of crap [oops no offense].It is an irksome plot riddled with blatant display of Orientalism as well as big ugly chunks of pseudo-philosophical thisandthat which ultimately render themselves quite meaningless to the context in which they are written.This incredible slobber of a book is a great example of how such bad prose, non sense storyline, and an 'honest' attempt at describing Indians and their society at large [which falls flat as horrible caricatures] finds audience in the west solely riding on the Mumbai-underworld factor.All in all i would never recommend this book to my well-wishers!

30-Day Book Challenge [Day 1 :FAVOURITE BOOK]

2011-06-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

So finally i have decided to take the 30 Day Book Challenge that is becoming extremely popular on facebook among my friends.It will ensure that i get to write more on things i love, maybe explore the real 'me' more while i am at it, something which i had been meaning to do for quite sometimes.

Favorite Book :

i imagined myself feeling quite,quite lost if i ever had to answer this question.Solely because I had never been a loyal lover and the 'favored one' kept on changing.But i had probably changed myself less in the past 4-5 years. When time itself came i could choose one only[i am shocked at how easy it seemed] .It is this thin paperback i own, its raddled appearance ,the fine wrinkles on the surface of the book,the fading cover photo,stands proof of its over-use or over-reading in this case.One can read this book when one is desperately seeking a rationale behind the events of one's own life.One can read it even when one is not looking for answers as such.But one must read it for that 'Meursault' in most of us,who falls prey to societal prejudices every other day and yet is restrained by life's absurd ways from fighting back.The Book is not a cure to this problem.But possibly a scope for dealing with it.

2011-06-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

You must know, that I am evil.You must also know that I had humored you, all along , fully aware of your lies.I feel indulgent at times, I really do.It makes me feel like God.You know to be aware of your deception, to be able to tell that each word you utter had been carefully swathed in pretence.Just this fact alone had always given me a high.The power to sit back and laugh at your artificiality.To be able to act that i believe you,knowing the truth quite well and yet forgive you in the end. You must know why too. Because I had always pitied you, your own motive for hiding inside that fictive world of yours,whatever that motive might be. It must have been hard for you to spin a tale ever day,feign goodness and tolerate reality.But it must have also felt really good to think that you had gotten away with it. I felt the same way.....to let you get away with it. Except i was never completely sympathetic to your cause.I had my own wicked game.you must know I am no good.i knew you all along.

2011-06-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

The usual coping mechanisms to 'such' things tend to wither.At least, living in denial doesn't seem to be the answer any more.The mind could be maneuvered at one time.It worked, most of the times.Shut your senses. scream.Enfeeble the noise around.Press the pillow harder on the suffocating larynx.But the days go by and one realizes the necessity of expecting better from oneself.One cribs.One also endures much.But one cannot not care.Essentially that is what it all boils down to.Carry the bitterness and hurt somewhere within but not deal with it. Time-travel back and watch oneself listening to unfounded malicious rumors about self ,from another shiny-eyed gossip-monger, all of which would have been quite alright had it not been viciously spread by people one had taught oneself to trust.What is worse is one had always avoided confrontation.Not to keep peace, but mostly because it had been pernicious enough to turn one into a stone,to a point where one was just too stunned to open the mouth and speak.One needs to learn better for future.To not care.To be unaffected by pettiness.And maybe a little less of cowardice.

2011-06-06T05:32:00.000-07:00

i wonder whether anyone keeps a list of their lovers.or is it too funny to do so....what about a list of love?

L'etranger ,My name is Red,A clockwork Orange,Animal Farm,The Myth Of Sisyphus,Maus,Trainspotting,Norwegian Wood,A Catcher in the Rye,One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest,The unbearable lightness of being,the plague,Metamorphosis,Illusions,The curious Incident of the Dog in the night time,The picture of Dorian Gray,Lord of the Flies,Without feathers,The grapes of Wrath,The idiot,Fools die,Love in da time of cholera,the roads to freedom,the fountainhead,sputnik sweetheart,a suitable boy,mrs dalloway,Jonathan livingstone seagull,tuesday's with morrie,to sir with love,Memoirs of a geisha, Man woman and child,Acts of faith,the Agony and Ecstacy,the old man and the sea,to kill a mockingbird, anything and everything by stephen king and agatha christie.

and all those poetry in motion:
vicki christina barcelona,persepolis,three colours trilogy,the hurt locker,400 blows,seven,gangs of new york,boy in the striped pajamas,babel,battle of algiers,a clockwork orange,annie hall,irreversible,before sunrise,the birds,wild strawberries,il postino,changeling,jules et jim,the blair witch project,inglourious basterds,eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,everyone says i love you,crossing the bridge,moulin rouge,shadows and fog,hiroshima mon amour,amelie,cassandra's dream,300,children of heaven,memoirs of a geisha,wait until dark,breakfast at tiffany's,the song of sparrows,the silence of the lambs,inception,juno, a boute de souffle,stepmom,edward scissor hands,rear window,pierrot le fou,au revoir les enfant,pretty woman,kill bill vol 1 and 2,the hours,the dark knight social network,vertigo,alice in wonderland,psycho.

2011-05-09T04:29:00.000-07:00

it will be arduous.the year ahead.one can already feel it weighing down,the benumbed arms and limbs,reluctant to move,ready to rebel against any further command.To assuage the nagging pain ,one will shut down the senses,all 5 of them.One can even stifle the 6th, that one has coaxed oneself of having.Very soon it will a complete termination.Except the almost mechanical dragging of one's feet,the sound of corrosion having set in,unlike a well-oiled machinery.One will wait for better mornings,like always.Crinkle one's nose,the olfactory cells desperately searching for that smell of grass and dirt. Eyes too dry to relent.And soon it will be all over.

2011-04-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Unquenchable urge to indulge in some light-hearted exhibitionism.Was it there always?There is only so much you can do to control it.But i think i will keep that aside for a while, as a very newly-bred wave of nostalgia and longing keeps hitting me from time to time these days!'First year' seems an unreachable distance and i wonder why.Maybe a patchwork of memories is long over due.For all those people who have watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ,what if i am to erase all memories one fine day.mmm...There will always be some i would want to cling on to,even if i am haughty enough to admit!!i will eventually come to do that..YES.

2011-03-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

they decide to pickle me in a lot of affectionate adulation.on my part, I reciprocate with a suspicious sniffle.I feel a compulsion to do so.Lately that is.But the big question is : Must I ? Always??

2011-03-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

WeIrD.But words escape you.Thoughts go for a vacation[well they really needed that].When you are in a happy phase!!it might be a while since i start cribbing again!But that doesn't mean i won't blog.

2011-02-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?"
"I'm not sure that man needs the help."

2011-02-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

well,i just realized that among the many things that i don't know,i have also never learnt to sew/stitch.

2011-02-20T01:58:00.000-08:00

I am lacking clarity of thought. I want the rains to fall harder than usual,wash clean my mind of all that summer-grime-like clogs.Else I want escape, from having to 'choose'.For once in my life, I pray that I am relieved, of that impossible task that I get to face, in every 'phase' .Of that loud thumping noise from somewhere within,always growing,threatening to kill silence forever ; of having to keep one and yet letting go of another, a choice that can never be right; of constantly living with the fear of having committed a huge mistake,of having made a compromise to live with.I will probably start existing like a lingering memory,of my own past.For once i want it all and yet dread having too much in hand to wield control over.At the end of the day I have the least idea over what will make me content.I change.A little too soon, a little too much.Its miserable,yes.To be aware of that hollow within,crammed with darkness,its frightening depth and not be able to fill it.Because when you fall into it,you don't die just like that.You break you spine,or neck or a leg and wait each day for it.Arghh!But I am digressing into unbearable gloom through this blog.Something i don't mean to do at all.In fact its quite an irony,considering the fact that i am in quite...quite a happy phase,only a little too fuddled for my own comprehension......i really wish the clouds clear soon.

2011-02-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

tempers are flaring at the home grounds.i think i am having some of the worst arguments ever with my parents.I am also acting weirder, which is OK since the mind-space has its own way of recuperating.What a deliberate antithesis to the life gone by.Oh and i am also burying myself in too many Agatha Christie-s which is also a healthy sign at the moment.

Totally AdOrE

2011-01-31T21:04:00.000-08:00

Orhan Pamuk's one-liner during the Jaipur Literary Festival.

Once

2011-01-31T10:44:00.000-08:00

Its when your alphabet-soup starts mutating all of a sudden and decides to sit there unstirred for a while.And then that awkward and abrupt silence that distends for the longest duration.What can be worse than that?You imagine and shudder,you want to avoid it.Yet you have always derived some pleasure from ambiguity.There is a certain amount of warmth in it,that you are suspicious of.The why scares you.You never imagined you had anything to hide and yet one had surreptitiously stacked away bits and parts behind it.yes there is pleasure in it.The obvious, lacks the strength and security like a brick wall.Its there before the eyes,too vulnerable and ready to be brought down.Its the hidden dagger that one can romanticize about,safely.

and it Begins....

2010-12-31T21:40:00.000-08:00

Peek-char

2010-12-29T22:42:00.001-08:00

The year extinguishes in a day or two.and surely a new candle will start burning from day 1.But before that happens I woke up to a fresh morning of contemplating the past.i had little to contribute though.It was the newspaper doing it for me.Vivid,glossy,highly imposing with a distinct semblance of life.Yes the life as it should be.Those lovely engaging prints, the world where the mouth-line concaved downwards and remained so.It was definitely the picture one would love to wake up to.Such is the power of a mass medium,almost divine.But i digress.

I quickly tried to devour the news.''Useful'' information mostly about Kolkata and her various burgeoning assets, things that will finally slap us to reality. Yes darling Kol has finally reached adulthood ,at least lifestyle-wise.Acknowledge it and feel proud.So what if our air-port is a cause for national shame,and major business houses are 'touting' Bengal as the worst place for investment[the money simply sinks ,ahem] we still got a brand new super swanky business-hotel[ with all the luxury in the world - nightclubs,smooth sky lounge et al-preparing for future???]. Then again you have reports of goons and thugs making their own special presence felt every other day: from beating up bhadraloks to assaulting women,doing 'their' work i guess[something that our police force is yet to learn:''doing one's work''].Did i hear someone crying :we need better protection?Maybe a few more officers on duty,specially in those deserted and vulnerable areas?Well what you do have is a mushrooming of nightclubs all over Kolkata.Maybe its a suggestion :dance away all your frustrations with Bengal.?Forget those regular bandhs,road-blockades and petty political squabbles anywhere and everywhere,that might even take a life or two and give zero benefit to aam admi in return.so while our future leaders engage in verbal and physical war to set things right for all those have-nots, losing land and living below poverty line , we do have famous designers[well the ones dolly-ing up our bolly-queens for their red carpet appearances] setting up their signature shops in Kolkata,new gourmet get-aways ,new plushy looking malls[ and you thought we know nothing about 'development'].Thing is I am not complaining as i hate criticizing a positive growth.In fact i want to end this year-ending post on a happy note. Yes Kol has definitely grown up.And heres to[?!] more such ''growths'' in the coming year. How uniquely they will benefit us...well needs to be seen!

2010-11-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

I can respond to life much better.I believe I can ,or most importantly I can convince myself to do so.Yet at times that waning mosaic of ''the conventional'' ,probably eats up all that stored energy, to fight back.All that conviction can't seem to be enough.It is never enough,just like love and.... water maybe.And I feel distressed.That years later when i look back to these days,maybe at a time when time itself is too invaluable for me to waste,all I will do is curse myself for wasting those precious minutes and hours,days and nights calculating all that I have and all that I could have had.Its never enough .....just like love...and water.

2010-09-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

listing all those sitcoms and sci-fi-s and dramas that kept me glued to the idiot box, over the years.....need I mention how much i miss them[sniffles]??

1.Full House
2.The Wonder Years
3.Sabrina,the Teenage Witch[and no not its hindi counterparts]
4.The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
5.The Brady Bunch
6.Buffy the Vampire Slayer
7.Roswell[yes this one as well]
8.Will and Grace[miss this one very badly]
9. 8 Simple Rules
10.Everybody Loves Raymond
11.She Spies [haha, watched it,and hell yes liked it]
12.Bewitched
13.Married...with Children
14.Friends[technically i don't miss this one,but then again no new episodes create the 'missing it' part ]
15.Futurama

umm, think thats about it...the ultimate list that screwed my various exams at various points of time!

2010-08-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

There stands the imaginary cliff, and the imaginary throwing-yourself-off-it. Isolated,verdant,cold,actually quite beautiful within the chimera.And a slender gap between necessity and chance.

Inception

2010-07-30T03:38:00.000-07:00

I had once blogged, quite sometimes back : "Are we for real?What if we are somebody's imagination?" Such a contemplation was the outcome of a really interesting book, i was reading at the time- 50 Philosophical Ideas.Now of course it is finished, and as it happens,has taken a back-seat on the mind-bus.What made me re-call this line off-late?Inception.
The visual opulence, the brilliant and highly imaginative layering-s both thematically as well as substance-wise,those jaw-dropping stunts are some of the features, that this film will exhilarate with.But that temporary sense of bedazzlement over,what will take a more immutable shape is the philosophy,that stays on with you even as you are leaving the theater.I just can't stop going ga-ga over Nolan's magnum-opus,and frankly it was after a looooooong period of time that i was watching something that demanded my full attention,without me trying too hard.Of course there are people constantly comparing it with Matrix.Wake up guys!Matrix was a kid compared to the philosophical delving s of Inception.[You know, in order to understand,say, Economics you can try a Samuelson or you might just grab a copy of Economics for Dummies,Matrix is the latter].It is the Best[period].

p.s. : is it me or does Joseph Gordon-Levitt seriously reminds one of Heath Ledger?

On the other end,i am shedding buckets of tears over all that hair my hair-dresser chopped off...it is nothing but a matter of mis-communication.All I wanted was a little less.Instead of the emphasis falling on 'little',it fell on 'less' and my much beloved hair-length has been snipped off to one- just-kissing-my-neck.However my head does feel lighter and i am feeling more comfortable in this weather!!!

Book- Perfect

2010-07-27T03:01:00.000-07:00

Ennui.And too much of it.Specially when you have caught a flu,after a happy drench.If your father happens to be a doctor he will prescribe 'lots of fluid and rest' ,but you already know from your past experiences that the only thing that will work for you is a good ole cup of hot chocolate and a nice fat book.I will get hold of one eventually,but at present decided to make a list of all those great reads,that had left a huge mark on me at different points in my life.These are books i grew up on.But i can't claim to have read all the works by their authors.Yet each stands alone,shining bright like crown jewels.Each having its own place in my memory.I have a different set of 'Preferred Authors' however[ Camus,Hemingway,Marquez,Pamuk,Sartre,Wilde,Maughm etc...] and have consciously kept them away from this list,because when i read them i try to finish their entire works,one after the other.Therefore this list is done book-wise,and not author-wise.

To Kill A Mockingbird(Harper Lee),To Sir With Love(E.R. Braithwaite),Gone With The Wind(Margaret Mitchell),Roots(Alex Hailey)-Favorites during my Senior High years,when i was obsessed with racial discrimination,racial heroism and the American Civil War.Was always debating and lecturing within my group about this issue.And imagined that I alone will create a more egalitarian society 'one day'!How?- I never really planned!!!!

Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) -9th standard.Down with flu[yes then too],Probably the reason why i cried more that usual,reading it.Read it right after reading Charlotte Bronte's Shirley and Jane Eyre, yet 'Heathcliff'' ensured that i fell in love with it,instead of the other two.

Tuesday's With Morrie (Mitch Albom)-this book i read at a much later age,in college.Dad had borrowed it from a colleague for himself but i managed to get hold of it and finish it in a day.

Lord of the Flies(William Golding),One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest(Ken Kesey)-both borrowed from Kakima during the long vacation after my Higher Secondary Exam.However college admissions kept me super anxious and i could not enjoy the read to my liking.Would love to borrow these two again and re-read .

A Suitable Boy(Vikram Seth)-took the longest time to finish.Bought during the Kolkata Book Fair 2004 and finished in 2005.Not that it was the only book i read during that year,yet loved its never-ending-ness and the fact that i could read it alongside other books.

The Thorn Birds(Colleen McCullough)-When high school crushes started looking stupid and senior high assured a more realistic experience in love and heart-aches.My favourite novel for the longest period of time.

The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night time( Mark Haddon)-The most unusual book to go ga-ga over,yet a breakthrough in modern creative-writing,i still own this one.

God of Small Things(Arundhuti Roy) will always hold a special place in my heart,because i read it when i was in 6th standard and managed to comprehend every emotion that the protagonist went through.Almost like re-living them through reading.

O' Henry Collection -originally a gift for my grandfather from one of his students,but i could easily persuade him to give it away ...to ME of course.The fact that it was a compilation of everything O'Henry had ever written along with some personal sketches,was enough stimulation to adopt unfair means.

The Little Prince-an all time favourite childhood classic,that i still read,but these days online.And till date the only book which feels easy to read even in French,taking into account my very limited knowledge and a useless diploma in French language.

The Alchemist(Paulo Coelho)-OK so i still feel Richard Bach's Jonathan Livingstone Seagull or Illusions is a better read,but as i have mentioned before: Bach is a 'preferred author' and his works won't come under this list.I have read a few Coelho-s, but this is the only one i liked.

The Hungry Tide(Amitav Ghosh),In an Antique Land(Amitav Ghosh)-The former read in the first year of college,yes much before it was referred for our paper on environmental history in the 3rd semester and the latter even before : i remember it because Crosswords bookstores had opened its 1st shop in Calcutta,at Elgin Road and it was the 1st book i bought on my very 1st visit to the store!

The White Mughals(William Dalrymple):right after my admission to JU, one my dad's friend,who also happened to be a historian,referred it to me.He let me borrow his copy,but i finished half of it before returning it because i wanted to own it very badly and ended up buying the book and then finishing the rest!

The Kite-Runner(Khaled Hosseni): Even before i started reading this book i imagined it would be 'another over-rated bestseller' and then one day,while waiting for a flight to Bangalore[we were visiting a nearby reserve forest] i bought it and finished it during the journey.Not the best read,but not bad either!

Butter Chicken in Ludhiana(Pankaj Mishra):Again the search for this book started during my school days[10th]when i read excerpts of this book in a magazine[probably The Week].Much later while scouting the old alleys in College Street,caught sight of this book on the pavement and bought it.Really cute travelogue.I started reading the book in my college library.

The Interpreter of Maladies(Jhumpa Lahiri):Rewinding back to the 6th standard.Right after i realized that i had finished reading most of the classics [and please the unabridged ones for God's Sake!]Those Dickens and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,Black Beauty,Uncle Tom's Cabin etc. etc.available in the library took only a few years to finish.One afternoon dad came home with it, wrapped in old newspaper.Once i started reading,i could not stop before i had read it entirely, expressed my love for some of the short stories which even managed to bring tears to my eyes, and some which i felt could have been better.And sat back to re-read it again!!

The Reader's Digest Collections:i own a few, saved a lot of time once when i was going through a 'hate big fat novels' phase.

Kane and Abel(Jeffrey Archer) and The Diary of Anne Frank:The 1st two books i borrowed in the 11th standard,right after i befriended a thin,shy girl in my new school,who was to become my best buddy for the next few years.Little did i know that one day we will lose all contact with each other and all hopes of it as well.

An Unaccustomed Earth(Jhumpa Lahiri)-Now why did i not mention 'The Namesake'?Because I really did not like reading it much,neither did i enjoy the film.Once again i bought Unaccustomed Earth while waiting for my flight back from MP,once again we were visiting Kanha.

Agatha Christie[everything]I have been reading Christie from 4th Standard because i saw my mom reading them.and i still read them,mostly between two more serious books,just to clear the head!

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory(Roald Dahl)One of my all time favorites,I distinctly remember borrowing it from someone to read,but from whom ?i can never recall!

The Harry Potter Series(J.K Rowling)8th standard again!Shoma M'am gave me her copy of The Sorcerer's Stone ....and thus started the affair with Potter

Dan Brown: will mention the DaVinci Code,Angel's and Demons and the Lost Symbol,all bought while traveling and also enjoyed immensely!!

Acts of Faith, Man Woman and Child,Love Story(Erich Segal):School again,these three were immensely favored for reading more than twice and there was no harm in shedding buckets if tears because everyone was doing the same!

Rebecca and Birds and other Short Stories(Daphne Du Maurier):winter of 2001,while visiting a sea beach[where i can't remember]i remember reading Rebecca in a veranda,overlooking a vast blue expanse.Birds was read much later,after watching the film by the same name by Hitchcock!

All Quiet on the Western Front(Erich Maria Remarque)Extremely moving compared to the thin-ness of the book!one of the best!!

And then there was Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden), finished a couple of years back.This is one of those rare books,reading which you would crave to watch its movie version as well.And i did too. And guess what loved it.

2010-07-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

So i have been persistently listening to Far Away on the tube.And facing a hard time restraining the fingers from clicking a re-wind, every time.Not that I am listening to it for the first time since Nickelback had always been one of my all time favourite bands,but seems like it has suddenly rendered itself as my new drug.Apart from the fact that the opening, thunderously penetrates the mind and lingers on, listening to it throughout the day seems a bit insane,even for me,unless one has the excuse of 'day-dreaming'.[which i do].

''this time this place,misused mistakes......just one chance,just one breath, just in case there s one left?''

just that those 'one chances' are so rare to come across that you sometimes end up wondering whether there IS anything called chance.But we still love fairy tales don't we??

Ponder.

2010-07-01T12:03:00.001-07:00

Seriously. Nothing is making much sense,off-late.

rant.

2010-06-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

Avarice.Ruling me all this month .Its a tad too early, but then again 22 is to climax soon, sometimes in the next few weeks.And one must be prepared to face a new phase,suitably and most definitely replete with its own ambiguity, banality and at times eccentricity.Indulgence is often the cure to problems and such.Inebriating the least suspecting mind[or may be not, its never that naive] with hollow capitalistic pleasures, seem to be my-thing these days.Works for me to say the least,till life's encumbrance hits again.And then the process repeats itself. I find its justification in our seasonal changes, if its winter can spring be far behind? And once more, post-Spring, life withers and craves further replenishment, till the arrival of a new beginning.One can only sit back and appreciate life under such conditions.

But the point is,very soon I plan on some mall-hopping, buying something really costly[ i have my eyes on a particular watch], books[as always] and those really cute ruffled-fairy-skirts. After all this some guilt-free indulgence in the name of chocolate waffles at Piccadilly Square.And i can never feel too satiated, even when i try to force the self to come under controlled terms!

2010-06-14T01:59:00.001-07:00

nothing much to write except changing my blog layout, in accordance with my mood at present....fruity and colour-thirsty.

2010-06-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

If there ever had been genuine attempts, towards a convincing deconstruction of the Mahabharatas, to evoke the modern Indian political ethos ,then the film Rajneeti must shine bright among them.By now the verdict is out.That it is a good film stands,mostly unchallenged, solely due to it's no-compromise stand towards quality performances.The story,well i think we all had some idea about it.I went to see this film, mostly to check how appropriate the adaptation had been in relation to the squalidity of our modern political scenario.And i must say that it did not disappoint me.It manages to delineate through the murky world of political ambitions where lives and emotions are just pawns in the game.Where morality falls prey to vengeance.And blood-thirst is justified.Still i felt these are all 'been-there,done-that' sort of familiar settings that just had to be generated,else the film would have stood nowhere, almost like an obligation on part of the film-maker.But then what forced me to remain on my seat wasn't gravity alone.....but the characters.Well-sketched, highly cognizant and amazingly-executed by the actors[male], who bake the cake and eat it too.I think its a must-watch from my side, and though not much of a revelation but an unbiased survey of the reality is always appreciated with open heart.

2010-06-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

Life is giving the impression of nothing more than 'Waiting for Godot'.And to engage the mind one eats,sleeps,converses,sings,argues,exercises,jumps-anything "to hold the terrible silence at bay"......existential connives of larger impact.It feels even more weird for not having to add 'scampering off to college' to that list.Its hard to face the fact that one's 5 year long tryst with J.U.[joo] has formally ended;no mournings,just a deflection from the daily routine or maybe much more that that[much more than one is willing to accept?]i know friends who are fanatics about the place.In retrospect, i had some seriously addled time in here, not something that will blossom a lot of affection for the place,in my heart.But yes it gave the comfort, all that one can wish.Practice of negotiating with one's decisions.Strayed hope. Memories of association utilizing sight,sound,smell and such.I will not miss the jheel par because i rarely spent any afternoon scorching under the sun around it, neither will i pine for the dilapidated bridge since i never attempted any exhibition of valiancy,there. And to be outrightly honest[brutally in fact] i have quite avoided having to spend much time inside the four walls.But memories were conjured long before i could consciously colonize the memory-maker.And as hard as it is to grok, dissociation will be resistant.Still, heres saying au revoir to a shelter i wish could be different,i would never cease to criticize[when i will have little to do or cerebrate] , yet hold on to, under the banal sky.

2010-05-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

i have stopped the ink from flowing.maybe i don't want to see where it reaches.Isn't it lovely at times to shut the doors of verity and lose the key someplace?and i seek it not.Behind the door stands the magic mirror,the one i smashed.They say its a curse.But what else can be done to erase the malicious future from gaping back.The continuous reminder of a phase where one will be compelled to watch the loved one atrophying away.to watch and not be able to do anything.There are things i wished i had the strength to face,but i will never muster enough of it.The stench of pain and death suffocates me.and yet all this time i knew,i had alarmingly anticipated it.

The past is too priceless to erase.Rather the future, the one that i want to do away with.

2010-03-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Last week, Park Street charred.And all my old memories there came flooding back.

Walks.Never ending talks.Breakfast and Flurry's.More walks on rain-caressed evenings.Graduation days.

2010-03-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

2010-03-19T03:06:00.000-07:00

i have squandered time.and i have this sudden urge to requiem for it.Just leafing through my old diary made me realize how much i have changed,how much i have coerced 'me' to change.

Life so far had been great or so i feel; after each little gaffe[and trust me they are innumerable] i have had my parents helping with a fresh start,each little problem did not compel me to face it eye-to-eye but shut my back to it and move on with something new.i had the luxury of that alternative.But somewhere on the way, i must have misplaced my self-confidence and that slender sense of direction towards it.today when the sky is caving in and i see no hands around[ahh perfect time for your parents to refuse any help],i am numb.Lost.......
one more post i want to end abruptly...i am in the mood for sad songs with violins soaring in the background.its time to wallow in self-pity,agony and all that stuff in between.choco fudge.

2010-03-12T05:41:00.000-08:00

Restless-ness.Punctuated by sepia.Woke up with a song on my mind that i can't escape from.....

Along the drifting cloud the eagle searching
Down on the land
Catching the swirling wind the sailor sees
The rim of the land
The eagle's dancing wings create as weather
Spins out of hand
Go closer hold the land feel partly no more
Than grains of sand............(Yes)

2010-02-24T00:19:00.000-08:00

Its scary when you feel an inkling of jubilant delight on witnessing another person messing up. Its not quite like being sadistic or happily celebrating someone's loss because that would have to be inhuman.And yet,that slim slice of gratification;i can almost hear that evil smirk,a laughter reverberating....

2010-01-26T21:52:00.000-08:00

How much i love to fall in love and feel claustrophobic due to its ineffability

.....and all that time to grow out of it,to 'un-drunken' the soul and look forward towards a new dawn.

2010-01-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, traveling infuses the much needed 'oxygen' into my soul.Specially in those moments when i start withering.I guess I can't keep away from wildlife. i prefer it any day over those cliched vacations near the beach or highlands.Only every time i visit these areas i come back-annoyed,my acerbic spirit damaging much of the peace that had been acquired.I am annoyed with people.yes.i hate those moronic,injudicious bunch of nit-wits[and everytime its us:Indians] who keeps 'holidaying' in these reserve forests, clueless about environment,etiquette or education.The peaceful dawn in the forest simply must be impaired by loud guffaws,irritating giggles,shrill voiced women who must take their annoying weeping children for morning safaris and then simply refusing to comply by the forest rules.This category also jumps up at the sight of any wild animal with their 'dekhoooo dekhooo'-s loud enough to scare away the poor creatures just when you were about to click your cam.What is with you people???Whatever happened to the good 'ol zoos to satisfy these morons?Why must they come damaging the forest serenity every damned time?AND whatever has happened to education and AWARENESS?I really wish something was done to reform this nonchalance of Indians,maybe shake them hard or slap them two-three times and make them Understand!!

Notes to Self

2010-01-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

every time i look around and stare at it- its temporarily put 'on hold' and the rest of the time,i guess i am too busy filching a diligent countenance for the 'self',to take notice.Life...as i know it.Must Stop,Must Breathe.All those blueprints for a new 'tomorrow' gone to waste.Must put restraining order upon cogitation and such.

Or learn to time-travel.

one more christmas post

2009-12-26T21:58:00.000-08:00

Its cold...finally......................it was,yesterday as well...but food-happiness kept me warm this week.... Chimp's b'day celebrations kicked off with, and ended as well with cheesy crusty pizzas along with zingy Zinger meals[unbelievable sales ratio for south city mall] and how can i forget good o'l bitching :P[too much to digest,i know].....how i wish i was born in winter!!!Later in the week,headed towards Tangra at 9:00,gone on drives at 10:00,celebrated heartbreaks over Domino's,survived a phase of profligacy on 31st[things quite 'un-me'] and all these would not have been the same without the ruthless cold, blanketing me from all sides.

Furthermore i reconnected with old-old friends[and din't undergo a lack of 'things to say' for once] in true x-mas spirit[watching 3 idiots,meeting up at CCD blah blah,things i find too puerile but can't avoid doing].....buuuut...something still seems amiss.I wonder what!

2009-10-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

Are we real?What if we are somebody's imagination....

2009-10-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

why don't i conform to a category?why must i always be a contradiction? no seriously.i am not aroused by bangla uponnyas,i don't see myself as a sports-lover[ forget joining the sachin tendulkar community],I find Harry Potter immensely childish but can't wait to re-read it every time i am down.i am mesmerised by Gauguin and yet lack the talent to paint.i love photography,the conceptual delvings of each and every black and white contour,their revelations but i cannot deliver a single meaningful one;i love the greens,wildlife to be precise but i have not joined any 'projects' as such[only limited to family vacations to the core areas];i guess am not a geek,neither the opposite.....but then i do know what i love...hours on the net over comic strips,Post Impressionist exotica,Woody Allen off late,The Stranger on a rainy afternoon,blackouts,Warhol for a dash of color and random information on the best available conditioner for my hair.....i think i forgot to mention Amy Winehouse.

2009-10-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

i do feel good buying a lot of junk.it takes my mind off things.certain things.certain times.
cocoa does the work at other times....though today's slab contained raisins...i hate those stuffs.

present mood:blissfully indifferent towards an impending 'jhor'...[vivas n term papers].

2009-09-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

mere anticipations of a storm,under soporific conditions..[.yawn!]...when will i ever learn...really!!!The shivering inside me refuses to subside...what might have belayed it has lost all hopes of arrival....i am tired of nebulous assurances in future tense....[yawn]....can't keep my eyes open.

2009-09-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

such is a divine manifestation...you intuit and then you call yourself crazy.such is your existence-profane, real,deceptive....and surrendered to the same banal grind- cognised...and yet you call yourself crazy.When almost palpable sufferings begin to haunt,you decide to keep your eyes wide shut;such is your timidity.you are so helpless you shudder to let go of your defeatism,it is the only skin you can hold on to....like the last bark of the dying tree.But i understand.I do.Because,when all guidance leads to an impasse,you have much less to straddle with.....and yet you had intuited all that....long ago...and now you call yourself crazy.

What i Had Been Doing

2009-09-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

tried relieving my friday night ennui with John Dunn's mindful construction of Locke on one hand...Stephen King on the other,the much convenient indulgence going towards the latter.Audaciously refused dinner and survived on a glass of chocolate milk.Cried a bit for the 'self ' at the dead of the night[really no reason]...and finally my friday night came to an end.

Mid-night Sun

2009-08-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

You might not believe me but there is so little i want from this place.i might have consciously shrunk my expectations or maybe it has stopped mattering to me any more.i don't even cringe at the sight of those much simulated smiles,masquerading deeper intentions.Infact i smile back,not because i have to.i w-a-n-t to.i have stopped feeling much.
Today,looking back at the distance i have walked away makes me dizzy.The unbridgeable chasm has infected much of it,rotting it with time.It is an impossibility to walk back anymore.maybe.Else i havn't tried.But i don't want to.Still you won't believe me.
Havn't i mentioned a thousand times before,i am sleepwalking,through this all?But now i want to wake up.The hour is upon us.The Hour seems near.

2009-08-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

i feel asphyxiated.
a little too many times,a little to easily.....and there is more than one Othello to stifle me ...with tender care.

2009-08-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

it was the much insistent voice....oh yes, simply and pretty audaciously refusing silence,not having accomplished its mission;that and the very eidetic visual recollections that finally shoved her forward....towards something that needed much more than regular valiancy.The squelching of an ego needs something more than fortitude.....so they say.....And all that while she atrophies away......

2009-08-12T01:04:00.000-07:00

the usual-me has given way to a complete 'un-me'...all of a sudden,justlikethat...flummoxed senses continue to haunt.i have stopped writing for you.i am craving company...and i have plans.

2009-08-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

him: you know,you are inadvertently alienating them....use the brake...

me: is that ever possible?i mean seriously...who am i to dodge the universality of confluence and the equally acceptable severances....i mean how many times do you run after the train, after it has actually departed ???i don't.

2009-08-06T05:43:00.000-07:00

my 'flippancy' shall die an unnatural death,am i to rejoice?Not.
-i shall have to avenge the murderers....someday....

2009-08-05T12:14:00.001-07:00

often i do not intuit the pointlessness of certain pursuits,who does?most of the times i feel like i am sleepwalking through it all.and at present, most defniteley i am over-exhausting myself, trying to savvy that unmitigated feeling of 'borrowed-ness'.....speaking of which,i am profoundly sleepy at the moment but something from within is restricting me from doing so.

2009-06-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

tonight is among the many nights i am sleeping-in with my cousin...none of our parents are around and the apartment has been indifferently left to fate....the empty box by our side,which had been the erstwhile shelter of some really nice n cheesy pizza-bites looks a tad too vacant compared to the steady ebullition of words.i knew tonight will be among the many nights of toomuchtosay and too sparse sleep.I CAN be myself.something i am often not with others.Makes me think.....

i have this highly dysfunctional side of me that is slightly dumbfounding for many;my incapability to remain consistent and coherent,attitude-wise has been much criticized,misinterpreted,i get tired of things too frequently and people...i for one fail to understand myself like many out there.Once it was concluded that i am more of an introvert,such thoughts help.however that is not true entirely,as i understand.i do not dread human interaction but i just get wary of it at times....loads of times.words flow, unrestrained, as long as i want them to,amidst certain people...and then suddenly i crave to be a loner,away from it all,away from everything. Even if i am among the din n bustle i am faaaar faaar away from it all.that cannot be introversion,and yet i derive comfort from it.ALL THAT and i cant even blame it on adolescence anymore!!

2009-06-26T03:13:00.001-07:00

is it sacrilegious to be joyous?immoral to seek happiness?dangerous to flaunt a blithe spirit?

2009-06-18T11:23:00.001-07:00

with age comes the great desire to 'belong'...somewhere....anywhere.

2009-05-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

so i watched ANGELS AND DEMONS,first day first show, in a dingy[well i thought so,Cmawn] and sad-looking movie hall[the world's worst according to me,even if i try to restrain the exaggeration],thanks to the plex-problems.But the experience wasn't bad at all,specially with Pink and Chimp for company,all three of us together after ages.this was last Friday and i took my time to write this blog coz i was re-reading the book....and finally i can say it was one of the well-adapted films i have seen in recent times.Often film adaptations of books can go haywire unless treated properly and with a bomb like Da Vinci Code peeping from the back,i was apprehensive of this one,but once again it bowled me over....i loved it,every bit of it and yea Hanks looked hawt after a long time.Need I go on about the plot?i don't think so.all i can say is that the biggest philosophical tussle in history has been given the aptest treatment,the use of art, beautiful.it was a not the most brilliant film but definitely worth a watch after a lonnng time.

2009-05-26T21:55:00.001-07:00

its the same old story
...a week of fun,waggery,eating- out,eating- in,driving people up the wall,doing-a-lot-of-things-totally-unacceptable-otherwise.....and then having to shed buckets of tears with the termination of the week.it happens every year....by now i should get used to this...partings are always meant to be most painful...and then life goes on again.The Delhi-Calcutta nexus runs deeper n thicker than blood...it is all blood,true, mixed with love,lots of missing each other-s and waiting-eagerly-for-next-visit-s.
Curiously it is with them that i don't have a proper photo to put up on the net.i have a whole array of sometimes silly-sometimes amusing snaps with my sister and my friends but none with them...that is because every time we pose together something or the other goes wrong[with the pic,the camera or the photographer..]...there is not a single pictorial proof of our 'pizza-night','rainy noon computer-games competition','weird sizzler moment at Peter Cat'....or the usual clowning around....none of the virtual existence of the brothers n sister unions...so this time i only took a snap of the two...sans me...but its still something...it might not portray each of 'our' moments but it will definitely remind me of them....

2009-05-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

for the last few weeks i have been net-researching more on Eric Cartman,Indian politics and swine flu-stuffs, that are as remotely connected to sensible-searching as chalk is to cheese...i should have been giving more emphasis on primitive accumulation of capital for tomorrow...... maybe there is real dearth of real things to do!

these days.....

2009-05-09T03:12:00.000-07:00

these days i am :
1.actually framing logically appreciable and coherent questions that people can find useful to answer back[oh joy!!!]

2.hankering for all things mushy:books,music,old movies....[very 'un-me']

3.twitter-ing a hell lot of stuffs but never meaningfully .

4.visiting a lot of temples,solely because a part of me badly wants to.

5.finding my muse in Pamuk.

6.reading a couple of really trash-blogs...and enjoying them[heeh heeh]

the story of my room

2009-05-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

2009-05-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

the clouds look familiar,the impending darkness looks familiar,even the crazy wind whiplashing my face looks familiar.....oh how i wish i could be a kite!

and I am such a Drama-Queen.

2009-05-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

i am usually a very guarded person...specially when it comes to my emotions...but sometimes on those rare moments when i let it run unbridled....it becomes disastrously difficult to repress things back to normalcy...that is why i seldom 'let go'....or maybe i should learn to get less hurt.

2009-05-02T04:21:00.000-07:00

right now i want a lot of people to comfortably blanket me from all around,fuss over me,and make me feel really claustrophobic...yea i want that...